Return If Possible
by mzfeistyx3
Summary: After having heard of Campbell Saunders death, Maya is left in a depressing state. She believes she is completely fine, however she is not. Takes place after Bittersweet Symphony Part 2.


**Author's Note: Hello guys, I'm back with another story. (: **

**I originally want to make this a one shot, and I plan on keeping it that way because I do take a while to update since I am currently in the case of writer's block right now. But, luckily, that case was blocked out a bit from this story, so yay.**

**Anyway, this story takes place after the episode of "Bitter Sweet Symphony" part 2. Where we find out that Campbell had killed himself and its left in such a tragic ending… um, as this episode finished, I came up with an idea and I thought I should write it.**

**Firstly, this story is mostly about Maya and how she deals with Cam's death and it's pretty much emotional, just a heads up.**

Tick tock, tick tock.

A sigh escaped from her lips and she glanced up at the clock once more. Time was going by so slowly and she just wanted to go home and get out of school already. She didn't want to be here at all. She didn't want to be in the school where she would most likely have a mental breakdown at any second. But no, she was stronger than that, she believed. Tears falling from her eyes and gliding down her face with unbearable emotions couldn't bring Cam back, at all. No matter what she did, she still couldn't bring him back. He's dead and he is gone forever. What she couldn't do was accept the fact that he's gone, it was still unbelievable. It was all so sudden, so unexpected; she was left in disbelief.

Maya briefly looked at her stuffed owl settled on the side of her desk, and the only thing she could think of was him. It was like this stuffed animal was a sign of him and all she could feel was emotions hitting her constantly. Why couldn't these feelings go away? She didn't want to be sad, she wanted to be strong. Sadness is a sign of weakness and she doesn't want to be weak. She believed Cam would want her to be strong, but she never realized how hard it would actually be to do that, now that he's gone…

"Maya?" a voice said so suddenly.

Startled, she glanced up at the voice she had heard only seconds ago and found herself breaking out of those thoughts just by the second she settled her eyes on Mr. Simpson. It only took her a while to finally say something. "Yes?" she said lowly.

"The bell just rang," he mentioned. Maya blinked and slowly took a look at her surroundings to only discover that the other students that were just in this class had already left. How the hell did she not hear the bell?

"Oh," she chuckled lightly, slowly beginning to gather her things inside her book bag. Simpson sighed and watched as the young girl slowly gathered her things. He felt sympathy for her and seeing her like this, coming to school, knowing that she is dealing with a hard situation, he frowned. "I think it's best for you to stay home for a while."

Her eyes immediately landed on his just as he said those words. She only furrowed her eyebrows together and shook her head, "No, I'm fine." She said in defense, denying the fact that she really isn't fine.

"Maya, I'm serious." Simpson said in a much serious tone. "You're going through a rough time and it isn't healthy for you to be attending school when you're dealing with so much grief."

"Just because Cam died, doesn't mean that I have to stay home for a few days." she was beginning to grow upset, but she kept her voice down. "I'm fine, Mr. Simpson, I swear."

Simpson stared at her for a while, believing otherwise. It really isn't healthy for her to be showing up to school this way, dealing with a lot. The best thing for her to do is stay home for a few days and come back with a refreshing start, hopefully. "Maya," he said.

Knowing she can't win with him, she sighed lightly. "Okay, fine…" she said, beginning to get up as she settled her book bag against her shoulders, taking her stuffed Owl which is named Hoot in one hand. "Thanks, Mr. Simpson." She said before brushing past him, and making her way towards the door. Before she could finally leave, Simpson said something. "Maya?" the girl briefly glanced his way. "Be strong." He said, as if to reassure her.

Maya remained quiet for a bit, taking those two words into thought. As she did so, she just nodded and finally left the classroom. When she strolled down the hall, her pace began to slow down and thoughts were taking over her. She just stopped in her tracks, glancing down at her stuffed owl. "The thing is…" she started, keeping her eyes on the small stuffed owl, "Being strong when something like this happens isn't as easy as I thought it would be." She whispered, a tear beginning to fall from her eyes. When she felt the saltiness of water running down her cheek, she quickly wiped her cheek clean and stepped foot outside.

xxx

Again and again. She continued to watch that video he had left for her.

Every time she watches it, she could feel deep sadness and then again a bit happiness. It was heartbreaking how that is like the only thing she could actually see and hear him from. Not just that, when she dials his phone number and calls him it goes straight to his voicemail and she could hear him. As the video ended, she searched through her contacts once again and clicked on Cam's name, pressing her phone against her ear and listened to the phone ring on the other line.

What hurts the most is that knowing he will not answer, ever. She could only desperately wish that he would answer and still be alive. That his death was mistaken and it was all just a misunderstanding. Sadly, it went straight to voicemail once again.

"_Hey, it's Campbell Saunders and sorry, I can't exactly get to the phone right now, but leave a message if you wish and I'll try to get back to you soon. Thanks."_

A small smile formed on her lips when she heard his voice again and for a moment, she only found silence on the other line as he stopped speaking. Frowning, she slowly pulled the phone away from her ear and settled it down on the coffee table.

Pulling a strand of hair behind her ear, she got up on her feet and left the living room, making her way into the nearest bathroom that was beside her bedroom. As she entered the bathroom and closed the door from behind her, she glanced at herself at the mirror. After a while of staring at herself, discovering that depression on her face, she began to get annoyed and settled her hand on the mirror, opening it to retrieve a bottle of pills that were settled on one of the racks.

Maya never really had a medical issue, but after all that has been happening she thought it was best for her to take medication and try to get better. She's telling everyone that she is okay, ever since the news about Campbell's death, but in reality she is not okay.

When her eyes landed on the medication pills, she grabbed the bottle in her hands and stared at it for a long moment, having second thoughts. Would it really be a good idea to take this, or not? Thinking there was no time; she took a risk and opened the bottle, settling one single pill in her hand before raising it up to her lips. The pill settled on her tongue and she swallowed it after moments later. When she let out a breath of air, she closed the pill bottle and closed the mirror.

Her eyes landed on the mirror after she closed it and the first thing she saw was him. Startled, she flinched in fear and dropped the pill bottle that was in her hands only a second ago. "C-Cam," she stuttered, turning around.

Silence filled the air and he only stared at her for quite a while. Tears were slowly beginning to fall from Maya's eyes and she just didn't know what to say exactly. Cam finally opened his mouth and decided to break the silence that was once there. "You should be strong," he said.

Blinking, she was taken into a sudden thought and she just furrowed her eyebrows together. "I am," she stated, or at least she thought so. Maya glanced down at the floor and repeated her words, "I am strong."

"No, you're not." Cam denied, raising his head up slightly as he took slow steps closer to her.

"How do you know?" she said, becoming upset, returning her eyes on him. "How are you so sure that I'm not strong?"

"Because I know you, Maya." He stated, "You need to stop being depressed and start being strong."

"Well it's not exactly as easy as how you make it seem," she snapped, chewing on her lowly lip for a moment. "I do want to be strong Cam, I do, but how can I when you're not here?" she whispered, tears beginning to feel in her eyes. As much as she tried to push those tears back, they just pushed through her eyelids and flowed down her cheeks.

Cam chuckled lightly and got much closer to her this time. "I never was gone, Maya." He said, beginning to wipe away the tears that were running down her cheeks. Maya's eyes burned into his and she could feel so much sadness well up in her and she just closed her eyes briefly as more tears rushed down her cheeks.

"Cam, why did you leave me?" she asked, her voice sounding full of sorrow and so full of pain and agony. "Why didn't you talk to anyone about how you were feeling – I could've helped you!" she yelled in anger, pushing him away from her. "You killing yourself could've been prevented if you actually even thought about me for a moment." She closed her mouth tightly and stared at him with disappointed and sadness. More tears were rushing down her face and so much anger was collided in those tears as well.

"I did think about you, Maya." Cam said in defense, "It's just that I was practically getting pissed on by everyone and I didn't know what to do, Maya. Okay? I didn't know what to do so I just went crazy and I guess I just… decided to end it." He whispered, narrowing his eyes at the floor now. "I'm sorry, I _really _am sorry…" Tears were now beginning to leave his eyes as well, but not as much as Maya's was.

Silence filled between them once more.

"Is there any way you can forgive me?" Cam finally asked.

Silence.

"I love you, Cam." Maya said as she made her way towards him. Just for a moment, she settled her palm on his neck and pressed her lips against his, letting these emotions escape from her system for just a brief moment.

Cam returned the kiss, however, moving his lips with hers in sync as the two kissed each other with desire. It felt like years since they've kissed and Maya could feel herself getting lost. She wanted more, she wanted so much more.

Her hands began to rest on his jacket and she slowly began to push them off his shoulders, getting it off of him. He helped her, and rested his hands on her waist, bringing her closer to him. "Don't leave me," she said in between kisses, pulling her shirt off and tossing her shirt to the floor.

She began to kiss him a bit harder, full of lust. She wanted to take it to the next step and she didn't want to stop. Her hands settled on his shirt finally as she slowly lifted his shirt up, getting it off of him finally. Of course, she tossed his shirt to the ground and buried her hands in his hair, kissing him passionately.

"I need you," she whispered against his lips.

After a while, she had finally opened her eyes and expected to find him there in front of her, but he was nowhere to be found. She was taken into a sudden surprise, and she slowly found herself beginning to well up in emotions once more. Maya glanced down at the floor and only saw her shirt settled there, not his. Biting her lower lip, tears began to fall from her eyes once again and she glanced at herself in the mirror. She was an emotional wreck and she knew it.

She was basically imagining him this whole time, thinking he was there all along when in reality he was not and it was just a delusion.

Disappointed, she grabbed her shirt that was lying down on the ground and placed it back on over her body. Finally, she stumbled down onto the ground and pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged them tightly.

No matter how hard she tried to be strong...

No matter how hard she tried to not cry…

No matter how hard she tried to not let people down…

She still managed to, however. She still did.

For a while, Maya Matlin was left on the floor with emotions escaping out of her. She might as well stay in the bathroom forever.

xxx

I love you.

And if I could, I would whisper those words in your ears at this very moment, over and over and over again.

But I cannot.

After all, you are dead.

**February 26, 2013**

"H-hey, Cam…" the girl whispered, her voice shaking in seconds. She placed the flowers that were in her hands on his grave with his name scripted neatly on it. She had inhaled a cold breath of air, forcing back the tears that always seem to find a way to escape from her. She will not cry though; she had said she wouldn't in front of the entire school. Crying is weak, and she will always believe that.

"I just wanted to say hi," she told him, kneeling down on the ground. What else was there to say? She came here for a reason, right? She came because she wanted to come and see him. Or at least talk to him…

"I miss you," she whispered. "Do you miss me?"

Silence.

"I hope so…" she stared at the grass beneath her and played with it for just a little while. "I talked to Dallas today…" she mentioned, continuing. "H-he can tell I'm really upset, and he thinks he understands the pain I feel, but I know he doesn't… He says I will find another guy and be h-happy again, but I don't think I will. He says you would want me to move on, but I'm not so sure… Do you want me to move on?"

Silence.

A cold breeze passed through the cemetery and that was the only answer she could get. She shivered, letting out a small breath of air. "I don't want to move on…" Maya whispered. "You're the only one I love… you're the only one I ever loved and the only one I ever will…" A tear fell from her cheek and she feared that she would break at any second. Quickly, she wiped the tears away, inhaling the cold wind sharply.

"I love you…" she whispered. "I love you, I love you, I love you…"

"I wish that you could just answer the phone whenever I call you and let me know that this was all just a big lie and that really you are not dead…"

When she thought she had her emotions under control, she was immediately proved wrong. She had wrapped her arms around her knees and the tears that she had wiped away returned. The tears were impossible to control, so she just eventually allowed herself to cry.

And cry.

And cry.

And cry…

"Why did you have to go?" she wailed loudly, her shoulders trembling. "It's not fair!" she shouted, "You shouldn't have gone away! You shouldn't have died! You should've stayed with me and all of this could've been prevented!"

After she let out that outburst, she had calmed herself down in a matter of seconds. She breathed heavily and frowned sadly. "I love you, Cam…" she whispered. "I always will…" Finally, she got up, as if she was getting ready to leave. "I won't ever forget you Cam. You will never die out in my memories…"

**March 14, 2013**

"I remember a few months ago I asked you what you liked about me," she started off saying when she came to visit Cam's grave once more. "I remember you saying you loved how bubbly I am even if it does get annoying sometimes." She laughed a bit, "I also remember when we went to Little Miss Steaks and sang together on stage in front of everyone." She smiled brightly and recalled the memory for a moment.

"That day was so much fun…" she glanced down at her fingers for a moment and then sighed. "And then we both have matching clover underwears." Maya laughed lightly and nodded, "Which I am wearing mines right now in case you didn't know…"

"I want to talk to you so much, Cam, and you're not there… and I don't know if you can hear me… I don't even know if you can hear me now…" Sniffing, she rubbed her eyes gently to make sure she wasn't about to break.

"I turn around and I expect to see you there; I do something dumb, and I expect to hear your voice or your laugh; I turn over in bed and I expect to feel you there Cam… but you're never there, and my heart just can't seem to register that…"

The grave remained silent, and everything else around her was just pure silence besides the wind crashing onto the trees.

The loneliness inside her made her feel like shit. Her stomach twisted in agony and she just gasped, tears flooding down her cheeks.

Coldness surrounded her and she had gasped again as the coldness moved in closer to her, as if it were arms, embracing her. She was shocked and in disbelief, tears running down her face continuously. She moved her arms until she was embracing herself.

_Why did it feel as if I was being embraced? Air can't do that… can it? It's just air. Cold air. _

_It's just the wind, it's just your imagination, Maya. _She thought to herself, trying to calm herself. _It's not Cam. It's just your mind, playing tricks with you._

Even so, she stuttered out his name.

"C-Cam?"

Nobody answered, the silence overwhelming her once again.

Still shaking, she took a look around her surroundings and no was there. Nothing. Nothing but the cold blanket of air.

The wind rushed against the trees, whispering to them as if it was voices, like when somebody's voice carries along the wind. A voice as light as a feather. The wind whispered loudly, but she couldn't understand the words they spoke, if any.

The wind… it almost sounded like Cam.

She glanced over her shoulders once more, and even still, nobody was there. She shook her head, muttering to herself. She thought she was going crazy, legitimately crazy. First, she thought she saw him in her bathroom that other day, then she thinks she hears him.

Maybe Katie was right. Maybe she did need to stop going here so often. Maybe she should at least try to stop thinking about Cam.

Again, that same loneliness had filled her heart.

"Bye, Cam…" she whispered. "I still love you. I'll talk to you another day, bye."

As she was leaving, she could've sworn she had heard the wind whisper again in Cam's voice. This time she could make out the words perfectly clearly, and it sounded like it was saying "Don't go…".

But, of course, it was only the wind.

It wasn't Cam. No, it couldn't be Cam.

_I'm just going insane, _she believed, walking past the black metal fence with the roses and rose bushes growing near it.

_Or maybe, I already am insane…_

**March 24, 2013**

"Hi, Cam…" Maya whispered as she sat down on the ground, staring at his grave. "I went back to school today." She mentioned.

"Everybody welcomed me back," she confirmed, staring at the grass once more. "You know, Degrassi isn't the same without you, Cam. The Hockey team without you is different, the classes I take without you is different, you not being there _period _is different… I want you to come back, Cam."

"Um…" she sighed lightly and pulled a strand of hair behind her ear, "I think it's best for me to stop coming here for a while… not trying to upset you or anything, I just really need to get better. I'm getting help, mental help 'cause I have been going crazy lately… I want to get better… and if I keep coming here, I won't get any better any time soon, so… I guess that's all."

Maya finally got up, brushing off the grass that was sticking onto her clothes and she just stared down at his grave once more. "I love you, Cam. Bye."

And like always, a breeze caresses her as she leaves as if it is Cam, hugging her goodbye…

For a moment, she stopped walking and turned back to Cam's grave where the tombstone stands, surrounded by flowers, both dead and alive.

_Like you… I think, _she thought. _You're dead, buried in the ground, yet you're alive in my heart and memories…_

She turned away from the grave and continued walking.

Silently, she apologizes to the light brown-haired boy's ghost and tells him goodbye once more.

"I wish R.I.P. meant Return If Possible…" she whispered, one last tear managing to escape from her eyes.

And then she left. And didn't come back for a long time…

**Author's Note: And that would be the end of my one shot..**

**Did you guys like the idea of this? I really want to know what you guys think. – Um, I don't know, after seeing the episode last night, I just thought of Maya reacting this way and I think it'd be pretty cool if the writers have done an idea like this, but it's whatever haha. :p Please leave me reviews and let me know what you thought. **


End file.
